Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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