You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
