i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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