i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
