You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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