My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
