at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
