none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
