wat bout pragnant strippers??
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
