i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
