they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
