If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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