You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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