I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
