i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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