I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
