Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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