I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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