how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
