apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
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I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
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We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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