i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
