it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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