I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize
