Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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