You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
