Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
