I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
