my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
