dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
