you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
