last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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