I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
