I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
