I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
