she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
