Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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