i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
