Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
