I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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