Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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