It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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