its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
