You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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