you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
