i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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