just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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