Your dad touched me again.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
