so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
