Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just google imaged poop.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
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