Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
