did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
