his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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