I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
